I’m getting older but am I getting wiser?
A journaled prayer / February 1, 2025
Jesus, am I becoming who I am supposed to be? You know me. You knew me before You formed me in my mother’s womb. Before all of my planned days. Before my father saw my mother and there was a spark in his eye; you knew that I would be here. I don’t know why I want the things that I do. Why I run around trying to pin your name on ideas and arts that don’t fit Your prophecy for me.
If You could give me such a peek into Your omniscience? I am getting older. I like to say I am getting wiser, but am I? Could you guide me. Could you whisper to me, let me know? Please.
—————————————
These days I want such different things. Is there any good men left? Are You mad at me God? Are You with-holding marriage from my life? Could I be a good wife right now if it was presented? Am I ready for that sacrifice?
Eighteen year old me, thought I’d be in New York in a high rise living my dream city girl life. She wasn’t thinking of marriage but of status. Writing for a fashion company and arriving to the “it” places. Twenty-one year old me, was barley navigating womanhood, then thrust into motherhood. By twenty-seven I thought I should be married by now.
I will be thirty-five soon. I am changing all the time. The married women are still giving me advice, they mean well but I am weary of it all. Sometimes I think my singleness offends them more than a child out of wedlock? At this point I don’t know if I could get married now. I don’t know if I am traumatized or sobering up. I am learning all these lessons and taking notes and getting God’s perspective. I am mindful of my prayers. I think that’s why I’m writing this. I want to make sure my heart’s desires are not of greed but of love for my God. And even the contentment shocks me.
I am older and I want a quiet life. Lately this has been my verse: “that you also aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands.” (1 Thessalonians 4:11) My heart doesn’t always chase that. I am prideful by nature. Cold, vain and petty. Still, He requires me to be peaceful, free of turmoil and petty greivances, concerning my own affairs and working with all my heart unto Him. It is a matter of my heart, always in this quiet life.
I know who I been, some of who I am but rarely of who I am to become. It’s easy to see the parts I am sanctified of. God has required of me patience more than anything. But for all the nuanced desires, God give me wisdom. Bring me clarity. Let my heart align with Yours. I am getting older but let me get wiser too! May You be glorified in these fleeting years. Teach me to live well.
Amen.
I am writing you love letters from Hilo.
I pray you read this with hope and love. With joy and expectation— knowing Jesus loves you but more importantly He needs you to grow up— in your word reading, praying, believing, hoping, looking for His return.
All my love,
G.
