Head on a swivel
uncertainty & compromise
I have counted all the uncertainties that landed me here. I lost count. I’ve come across another road of uncertainty. I think life is as such. You see it clearly, then you don’t, then you do, then you don’t. I fell into an endless pool of questions, uncertainties and doubt that nulled at me for several weeks.
I know, we never know what the future holds, and as exciting as it is, it's quite unsettling.
Getting older makes you question and doubt that whatever God has for you will ever happen or wonder if this is it?
The nights are fixed by the shape of names that no longer show up on your phone. The mornings are propelled by ego to burn out the void. And you can begin to compromise for the lack of tangible things you thought was yours. Compromise is a sharp-toothed beast. It will make you okay with being the most disobedient and miserable version of yourself, willing to put yourself in positions that you typically wouldn’t, and then say thank you for harming me. It was an honor.
The Holy Spirit is so gentle and is the still small Voice that nudges at me to opt out of the crash out I tend to dive into. God is ever so kind and more concerned with the state of my soul in the long run, rather than I am.
Wisdom is knowledge applied, and it feels so absurd to know so much and act righteously so little. I imagine I must be one of the silliest and foolish daughters God has in His home. I’m so judgmental, hypocritical, and infuriated with the adulterer ——when I am her. Hosea’s wife, God’s beloved, with a face turned away. But He is always trying to protect me, always trying to keep me, all because He wants me. And that is a mystery in and of itself.
I must abandon my need to know everything. Life is way too fragile for that. I must not lean on my own understanding, my life is not built for that. I must practice patience in the yielding.
Uncertainty can lead to compromise, lest I forget it is not God’s will that women be weak in moral biblical theological discernment.
I am writing you love letters from Hilo.
I pray you read this with hope and love. With joy and expectation— knowing Jesus loves you but more importantly He needs you to grow up— in your word reading, praying, believing, hoping, looking for His return.
All my love,
G.
