When you know better…
The trap of the Nick Cannons, Cardi Bs, Summer Walkers & Cam Newtons
When I became a mother for the first time, it changed everything about who I am. I struggled with motherhood, but only because I had such a high expectation of how I should be as a mother. I was now responsible for a life. I would be held accountable for how I steward this child’s life on earth. This culture has played a dangerous game. People are building families on feelings that don’t even last through the week. There is a collective delusion that romantic or sexual intensity equals cosmic significance. Sex is sacred, but it is not secret. It is intimate, deeply personal, and meant to be exclusive, just like a secret. But sex is private, not because sex is shameful, but because it is important and powerful, and dangerous if it falls into the wrong hands. So your body responds to another body. Your dopamine, your trauma bonds, telling you to replicate yourself. It is not spirituality. It is not God. It is not fate. It is hormonal roulette and selfish behavior disguised as alignment. And children are paying the price.
A child is not a souvenir. A child is not a physical embodiment of a fantasy. It is a person. A life. A responsibility. We have millions of people bringing children into poverty, conflict, confusion, and trauma— and have the nerve to say, “but we were in love.”
But were you stable? Were you emotionally regulated? Self-aware? Did you have a community? A plan?
Honestly, I didn’t ask myself these questions either. I lacked the emotional capacity and self-awareness to see beyond my own ego. Women love words more than we love actions. Our self-esteem planted in men. I think our culture has grown weary of asking real questions about who they are dating. Women do not think about the father they are choosing for their child. Men are not considering who would be the mother of their babies. The data on pregnancies resulting from unresolved trauma are staggering. Generational scripts that have told women their worth was in their womb, and men that their legacy was in how many women they could impregnate. We have become so detached from deeper responsibility and consequences due to our egos. This was a hard truth for me to write about myself because I, too, took part in the game of thinking I could pretend this was the beginning of a legacy I could create without God being a factor in it. But we do it all the time, try to carve out our own legacies and stamp God’s name on it as His approval. Yet, God is so gracious and kind that He does not see me as what I did but gives me an invitation to see how He is greater than any desire I could want. This isn’t a call for you not to date or interact with men/women. (LOL) But some of y'all know way too much to be pretending a baby is proof of love. Good grief, go heal. Remember that intention without integrity is manipulation. Do not gaslight yourself into thinking good sex is love.
I might be jaded a little after all this, but I’m just tired of women building their entire lives around men who can’t even build a bookshelf. The foundation cannot be built on bringing a child into the world. It won’t stand.
The gap between what we know and what we do is where we lose ourselves. You can read all the books. You can be educated and self-aware as you want. But until you understand that knowing better and doing better are two different muscles, you’ll keep folding.
Hold on, God sees you and wants so much better for you.
I am writing you love letters from Hilo.
I pray you read this with hope and love. With joy and expectation— knowing Jesus loves you but more importantly He needs you to grow up— in your word reading, praying, believing, hoping, looking for His return.
All my love,
G.
