Thou shalt not covet
a poem on guarding the wellspring of your life from envy
I woke up this morning and realized the things I envy are telling on my heart———
like time,
stay at home mothers soaking up time.
Basking in the delighted chaos and demanding
call of the child they bore tethered to their chest.
I envy her choice.
She envies my freedom.
I am jealous of her time.
To walk the earth with tenderness—
Her morning routine;
sweet harmony, breastfeed, breakfast, playtime, tummy time, bath, read, breastfeed, burp, kisses, hug, nap, breastfeed, clean up, dance, dinner, bedtime story, repeat, repeat.
I envy her ease into motherhood.
A man once told me I would never understand what it was like to co-parent, because my daughter’s father abandoned me.
He wasn’t wrong but also who the hell are you to talk to me like that.
I envied the comfort of her reliability in her child’s father.
I am jealous she did not have to wait.
I am restless from all of the waiting.
I loathe the dating world,
it has made me cynical.
I am jealous she keeps trying.
She admires that I return them…
to the streets.
All this longing, desire.
What has become of me?
I envy the women
who can write better than me,
that are smarter than me,
deeper and wiser
full of life,
and
love….
I write this, centered under a blue heaven
where great clouds barge the sky.
I am laughing with my daughter at the silliest video she took—
Look, I don’t remember what I was envious of this morning.
I drove to work, prayed, ate, laughed, kissed my kid on the cheek, repeat, repeat.
I am a fool!
If I fall in love with the mundane or the extraordinary
wouldn’t matter, God is still the same.
I woke up this morning thanked God,
for another opportunity,
for His glory to slide over envy.
NOTES
* I want to get in the habit of explaining some of my words. Especially poetry/prose/spoken word. It can be subjective to the reader.
*This came from Exodus 20:17. It is the 10th commandment. The Hebrew word translated covet is chamad translated into English as covet, lust, and strong desire. The Bible is layered with stories, warnings and consequences of those who covet. Proverbs 4:23 warns us against coveting: Above all else, guard your heart, for it’s the wellspring of life.
*The “she” or “her” is no one precise but a generalized statement and for the sake of flow “she” or “her” is used.
*It is easy to covet in today’s society. We are constantly scrolling through small clips of what people post about their lives and remember they only post the happy parts. Find God’s glory in contentment and in the mundane.
*More importantly seeking God in His glory reminds me I have no room for envy, if I’m seeking Him. Keep seeking the Lord, keep asking for forgiveness, keep taking it to the cross.
*Enjoy my heart’s song, been on repeat. (below)
I am writing you love letters from Hilo.
I pray you read this with hope and love. With joy and expectation— knowing Jesus loves you but more importantly He needs you to grow up— in your word reading, praying, believing, hoping, looking for His return.
All my love,
G.
