Your people will find you
Some heartbreaks are not as dramatic, big, or romantic. Sometimes they are small, and what may seem insignificant can be a wound that doesn’t heal but festers at the heart of how we handle people. Nothing about finding community; being a part of a community is trivial. I’ve lost friends in adulthood, and it has taught me just as much about myself, holding a mirror to my heart without flinching. There is a necessary conflict and communication on what it means to be tender and true to yourself.
I have come to the Big Island since I was a young girl. I now live in what is considered Puna County, one of the nine districts of Hawaii County. Located just east side of the island, where it shares borders with Hilo, 20 minutes north, and Ka’u in the west. I know the mall, the movie theater, the local food shops, and the beaches. The people? Not so much. I was invited to a Christian girl networking event. (lol) I was the last vendor that they needed. I would get to share space about my book and sell merch. I was excited. I was new to the community and trying to find my place in it. I would finally get to gather with other like-minded women and be a part of something I so needed. I did not know anyone at the event, but I went in with an open heart. A readiness to see what God would do through me. I was met with immediate resistance. I might be saying that rather bluntly. But they were not friendly. At all. The handshake was cold. The tension was felt. The lack of assistance on where to go or even how to set up. The leaders were giving mean girl vibes. But I can do that. That is okay. I think I’m not as “nice” looking all the time. Right. I, too, can have an RBF. It's a real thing, look it up. But I pushed back that uncomfortable and awkward tension that sits in the unknown. It didn’t get any better with the day. I was completely ostracized from the entire event. I almost felt like I had done something or like I wasn’t supposed to be there. I felt alone and almost embarrassed. I called my momma and told her I couldn’t move past the intolerable shunness. She pulled up like a mother eagle saving her child from the world. With urgency, she packed up all my belongings, muttering loud words in Samoan and pulling my hand out the door. No one said a word to me as I walked out. I don’t think anyone even noticed.
This happened over a year ago. I remember wanting to share this on my social media and tell everyone about it. How can people do things in God’s name and lack the awareness that their self-righteousness stinks? Yet, the Holy Spirit, so gentle and kind, quietly nudged me to write instead. I knew I would post this letter; I just didn’t know when. But when the time came, I could leave it because I could finally articulate it without feeling offended. I have learned that sometimes being hurt by transactional people doesn’t always mean they are evil or have bad intentions towards me. It just means I offered something human to a structure that wasn’t built to hold it. I showed up sincerely. I didn’t abandon anyone. I didn’t act in bad faith. It just didn’t work. It’s okay. People are people. They are human and flawed. They are fickle and theatrical. They are me on days I don’t want to see the unflinching mirror.
I have looked closely at how I conduct my actions. How I make people feel. I am not perfect, but dear God I strive to be authentic. To be genuine about how I’m coming. Girl power isn’t scripted or promo, nor is it an advertisement. How do you conduct yourself when people run into you in public? Are you approachable off the internet? Is the vibe organic and genuine? Or do you treat people like peasants? Is your heart in the right place? It does not take an event to empower women! It should be daily, for free. Are you the same offline, or do my following achievements or status set the tone for us? I’m just asking… If it's all for a coin, for your name, for your ego, for your glory…. You will be sifted out. Eventually.
I am reminded that community is also built in invisible ways. I found it in the small Bible study on Tuesdays, where a diverse set of women gather under the name of God and share how life tries to suck the living out of us. It has been so beautiful. I keep searching for belonging in grand places or asking God to give me people like this or this or that. But it often grows quietly, in gestures so small they are almost unnoticeable until you add them up. Your people will find you. Don’t let the small wounds fester. God sees you, and He takes care of those who keep their heart postured towards Him. Be encouraged!
I am writing you love letters from Hilo.
I pray you read this with hope and love. With joy and expectation— knowing Jesus loves you but more importantly He needs you to grow up— in your word reading, praying, believing, hoping, looking for His return.
All my love,
G.
